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Remedial Chaos Theory

COLD OPEN

!FADE IN:

INT. APARTMENT BUILDING HALLWAY - NIGHT

A door swings open to reveal a smiling TROY and a creepily oversmiling ABED in matching blazers and ascots. TASTEFUL JAZZ plays inside.

TROY / ABED
(to morning show theme)
Troy and Abed’s new aparrr-tment!

ANNIE and BRITTA stand in the hall, holding gifts.

ANNIE / BRITTA
Hiiiiii
(creeped out by Abed)
iiiiiiiiii.

INT. FOYER - CONTINUOUS

Annie and Britta enter, ad libbing “What a cute place!” There are framed photos of Troy and Abed on the wall.

BRITTA

Wow, you guys look so fancy.

ABED

We read a book on how to be the perfect party hosts. Rule Number One: dress to impress.

TROY

The book was written in the ‘40s.

(then)

Rule Number Two: avoid touchy topics like “The Negro Problem.”

SHIRLEY pokes her head out of the kitchen.

SHIRLEY

Oh good, you guys are finally here!

BRITTA

Finally?

ABED

Shirley showed up at three.

Abed, Annie, Britta, and Troy share a knowing look.

SHIRLEY

Time flies when I’m baking!

TROY

No, it doesn’t.

(clenched teeth)

ANNIE

Oh! The door downstairs was propped open with this.

She holds up a brick.

ANNIE

Or a solicitor.

(off their looks)

This is really unsafe. Anyone could have just wandered into your building. A thief, or a vagrant, or a guy who writes things on strips of greasy newspaper and slides them under your door while you’re at school.

An INTERCOM BUZZER goes off.

ABED

Or the rest of our guests.

TROY

Be right back.

(takes brick)

Troy hurries off. Abed leads Britta and Annie down the hall.

ABED

Is my scale model of the rolling boulder scene from “Raiders.” With actual rolling boulder.

(gestures)

Let me give you ladies the grand tour. Bathroom, kitchen, who cares, and this:

Abed activates the diorama. A model boulder rolls down a ramp and into his hand.

ABED

Pretty cool, huh.

BRITTA

Super cool. And sexy. Super sexy cool.

"Community" - #303 - "Remedial Chaos Theory" 2.

ANNIE

Overselling it.

(through smile, sing-song)

Shirley approaches with a homemade pizza on a tray.

SHIRLEY

I made pizza!

ABED

But... we ordered real pizza.

SHIRLEY

Nothing more real than homemade. You didn’t have some of the ingredients, so I used ketchup and cream cheese.

ABED

We ordered... real... pizza.

(glaring)

Everyone gets uncomfortable. Shirley backs away to the kitchen. Troy enters with JEFF and PIERCE, who holds a gift.

TROY

Bienvenido de la casa Chez Tro-Bed.

Jeff looks at the Indiana Jones diorama.

JEFF

Very nice. “Indiana Jones and The Apartment of Perpetual Virginity.”

TROY

Chop busted, my fellow adult!

(laughs, a little hurt)

PIERCE

It’s nice. I mean, it’s not mansion nice, but it’s nice. Hey, didn’t you used to live in a mansion, with me?

(looks around)

TROY

Yeah, but this place is a little more my speed. And century.

PIERCE

Doesn’t bother me. I’ve hardly missed you at all since I had you removed from my portraits.

"Community" - #303 - "Remedial Chaos Theory" 3.

Pierce holds up a bottle.

PIERCE

Jeff. Check it out. Serbian Rum. So strong it’s banned there. Banned in Serbia, Jeff. Let that concept sink in.

JEFF

You enjoy, I’ll be leaving early.

ABED

Oh?

JEFF

Look at this place, it’s like it was designed for me.

(produces 3 x 5 card)

Yeah, sorry, I got an invite to the opening of a new club,

ABED

It was. I made that in photoshop and mailed it to you a month ago so you’d keep tonight open on your calendar.

JEFF

I guess I never said it out loud.

(realizing it’s dumb)

There’s no such thing as the “Single Malt Platinum Boobs and Billiards Club?”

(re: invite, mournful)

ABED

Tonight, we offer something far more than boobs and billiards.

JEFF

What.

TROY

One word, two syllables...

JEFF

Don’t say “charades.”

Abed and Troy gesture to a table set up for:

ABED / TROY
Yahtzee!

"Community" - #303 - "Remedial Chaos Theory" 4.

Jeff grabs Pierce’s bottle rum and starts opening it.

JEFF

Is charades off the table?

!FADE OUT.

END OF COLD OPEN

"Community" - #303 - "Remedial Chaos Theory" 5.

ACT ONE

!FADE IN:

INT. LIVING ROOM - LATER

Britta is fiddling with an iPod that’s connected to a stereo behind her. No music is playing. Troy shakes a dice cup.

TROY

Commmme onnnnn, and...

Troy slams down the cup, lifts it up and looks at the dice.

TROY

“How to play Yahtzee...”

(reads instructions)

Okay. Now:

PIERCE

Is there nothing from our youth these companies won’t repackage for a buck? Call it “Yahtzee” all you want, everyone knows this is Puerto Rican chess.

(takes game box)

The door BUZZER sounds. Annie jumps with a start.

JEFF

It’s just the pizza, Annie.

ABED

We can’t buzz him up. Someone has to go down.

A beat, then everyone touches the side of their noses. Seven-way tie. The BUZZER again. Jeff picks up a die.

JEFF

Okay. Starting on my left with one, your number comes up, you go.

People ad lib agreement. Jeff shakes the die in his hand.

ABED

Just so you know, Jeff, you are now creating six different timelines.

JEFF

Of course I am, Abed.

(sarcastic)

"Community" - #303 - "Remedial Chaos Theory" 6.

As Britta finds a song, Jeff rolls the die. Two.

JEFF

One two. Annie.

(counting from his left)

Britta hits play. The Police’s “Roxanne” begins.

ANNIE

Okay, fine. Guess I’m going down.

She gets her wallet out, sets her purse down on the table in front of her seat, and exits.

PIERCE

All this talk of “going down” reminds me: did you guys know I had sex with Eartha Kitt in an airplane bathroom?

Everyone winces and groans.

PIERCE

What? It’s not name dropping if it comes up organically!

SHIRLEY

I’m gonna check on my pies.

Shirley heads into the kitchen. Just as Sting sings the opening lyric:

BRITTA

Rooxxx--

(belts out)

JEFF

No.

(cutting her off)

Britta stops and turns off the music, annoyed at Jeff.

BRITTA

Bathroom?

ABED

Over here.

Britta gets up and follows Abed. Troy watches her go. His eyes shift down to Annie’s open purse on the table.

"Community" - #303 - "Remedial Chaos Theory" 7.

TROY

Uh, guys... What does a pregnancy test look like?

JEFF

It’s like a thin plastic stick with a thing at the end.

TROY

So this is definitely a gun.

Troy uses a pencil to lift a gun from Annie’s purse.

JEFF

Whoa! Put that down.

TROY

Why does Annie have a gun?

(lowers gun into purse)

PIERCE

Here, Troy. Happy housewarming.

(giving gift)

That’s not a gun, it’s a girls’ pea shooter, I’ve had raw fish more dangerous than that.

TROY

Jeff, what are we doing about this?

(ignoring Pierce)

JEFF

I’m getting a drink.

Jeff stands, smacking his head on the ceiling fan. Pierce laughs.

JEFF

Owwww! What’s so funny?

PIERCE

People hitting their heads!

Shirley enters from the kitchen with a tray of mini pies.

SHIRLEY

You can fight a little...

(nobody cares)

Don’t fight over them!

"Community" - #303 - "Remedial Chaos Theory" 8.

INT. FOYER - SAME

Britta exits the bathroom, startled to find Abed right there, staring expectantly at her. She waits.

ABED

Smells weird.

BRITTA

I beg your pardon?

ABED

Smells weird. What did you do?

BRITTA

Abed, as a psych major, I understand you might not understand this, but you don’t ask someone a question like that. It’s not dignified.

Annie enters the apartment with the pizzas.

BRITTA

Pizza pizza go in tummy. Me so hung-ee, me so hung-ee.

(does a little dance)

Pizza!

(ravenous)

Britta and Abed follow Annie with the pizzas, walking right past Shirley, who tries, in vain, to offer them pies.

INT. LIVING ROOM - SAME

Annie sets the pizzas down. Britta dives in. Others join.

ANNIE

That pizza guy was intense.

JEFF

I’m sure he’s a real go-getter.

ABED

I wonder what happened in all those other timelines.

(eating pizza)

JEFF

Abed, there are no other timelines.

!BUZZ!

"Community" - #303 - "Remedial Chaos Theory" 9.

INT. LIVING ROOM - MINUTES EARLIER

The pizza is gone - or rather not here yet. Everyone has fingers on noses, as before. Jeff picks up a die.

JEFF

Okay. Starting on my left with one, your number comes up, you go.

People ad lib agreement. Jeff shakes the die in his hand.

ABED

Just so you know, Jeff, you are now creating six different timelines.

JEFF

Of course I am, Abed.

Jeff rolls the die. Four.

JEFF

One two three four. Shirley.

Britta hits play. The Police’s “Roxanne” begins.

SHIRLEY

Okay, but don’t let my pies burn!

Shirley gets up and exits.

JEFF

Remember: nobody eats those pies.

ANNIE

Come on. Let’s just talk to her.

JEFF

We tried that, Annie, she ignored us. The woman has a baking problem. Now, I don’t like being the bad guy any more than--

Sting sings the opening lyric:

BRITTA

Rooxxx--

JEFF

No.

Britta stops, annoyed at Jeff. She turns off the music.

"Community" - #303 - "Remedial Chaos Theory" 10.

BRITTA

Bathroom?

ABED

Over here.

Britta gets up and follows Abed. Troy watches her go.

JEFF

We have a pact. Do not enable Shirley’s baking. It’s better for her in the long run.

(continuing)

PIERCE

Here, Troy. Happy housewarming.

(then)

What? It came up organically.

(off groans)

You know who got it in the long run? Eartha Kitt. When I nailed her in an airplane bathroom.

Pierce hands his gift, which sits in his lap, to Troy.

TROY

Oh, cool, thanks, Pierce.

Troy opens the gift to reveal a creepy looking troll figurine. Troy shrieks and jumps up in horror.

JEFF

What’s that?

PIERCE

It’s a traditional Norwegian troll. When Troy and I lived together, I had it on display in the hall outside his bedroom. Troy always seemed so... taken with it.

(loving it)

Jeff chuckles.

TROY

What’s so funny?

JEFF

People that are scared of dolls!

TROY

It used to watch me in my sleep!

"Community" - #303 - "Remedial Chaos Theory" 11.

ANNIE

Pierce! Shame on you! Jeff, what are you going to do about this?

JEFF

I’m... gonna get a drink.

Jeff stands up and smacks his head on the ceiling fan. Pierce laughs at him. Jeff buries the pain for Annie.

ANNIE

Oh my God are you okay?

JEFF

Barely felt it.

ANNIE

Let me look at it in the bathroom.

As she leads him across the living room...

INT. FOYER - SAME

BRITTA

...you don’t ask someone a question like that. It’s not dignified...

Shirley enters with the pizza boxes.

BRITTA

Pizza pizza go in tummy. Me so hung-ee, me so hung-ee.

(does a little dance)

Pizza!

(ravenous)

INT. LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS

Britta and Abed follow Shirley to the table, where Annie and Jeff intersect with them.

SHIRLEY

Did someone get my pies out?

(putting pizzas down)

Annie gasps. The others exchange guilty looks.

SHIRLEY

Seriously?

Shirley storms into the kitchen.

"Community" - #303 - "Remedial Chaos Theory" 12.

SHIRLEY (O.S.)

Seriously?!

Shirley emerges from the kitchen with burnt pies on a tray.

SHIRLEY

I ask one thing. One thing.

She drops the tray on the table.

JEFF

Shirley, it doesn’t matter, we weren’t going to eat them, you’re not allowed to have “baking things” as an identity!

SHIRLEY

Excuse me for being the only married woman in a group of horny toads that sit around all night making googly eyes at each other!

JEFF / ANNIE
(covering)
Googly eyes?

The two exchange an awkward look. Jeff turns to Britta, who rolls her eyes and turns to Troy, who quickly pretends that he wasn’t staring at her. Troy turns to Abed, who gives him “sexy eyebrows.” Troy looks away and directly into the eyes of Torg the troll, which Pierce is holding up. Troy screams.

PIERCE

Hey, Shirley, nobody makes googly eyes at me either. We’re the same.

(trying to console her)

That’s the last straw for Shirley. She cries, stomps past them over their protests, and out the door, slamming it behind her. The slamming door causes the Raiders diorama’s boulder to roll loose. Abed has to race over to stop it.

ABED

I don’t know what she’s so upset about. Her pies probably didn’t burn on the other timelines.

(eating pizza)

JEFF

Abed, Shirley just had a nervous breakdown --

"Community" - #303 - "Remedial Chaos Theory" 13.

PIERCE

More like nervous b --

JEFF

Bakedown, I know, I didn’t say it on purpose! Abed, there are no other timelines!

!BUZZ!

INT. LIVING ROOM - MINUTES EARLIER

The pizza is not here yet. Everyone is seated, fingers on noses. Jeff picks up a die.

JEFF

Okay. Starting on my left with one, your number comes up, you go.

People adlib agreement. Jeff shakes the die in his hand.

ABED

Just so you know, Jeff, you are now creating six different timelines.

JEFF

Of course I am, Abed.

(sarcastic)

!FADE OUT.

END OF ACT ONE

"Community" - #303 - "Remedial Chaos Theory" 14.

ACT TWO

!FADE IN:

INT. LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

Jeff rolls the die. Three.

JEFF

One two three. Pierce.

Britta hits play. The Police’s “Roxanne” begins.

PIERCE

What? It’s where my mind went.

(off groans)

Speaking of crap, did I ever tell you about the time Eartha Kitt decided to bang me in an airplane bathroom?

(getting up)

Crap.

Pierce exits.

JEFF

Your mind went years ago.

Annie titters. She and Jeff share a flirtatious look.

SHIRLEY

I’m gonna check on my pies.

(eye roll)

Shirley gets up and heads into the kitchen, just as Sting gets to the opening lyric of “Roxanne”:

BRITTA

Rooxxx--

JEFF

No.

Britta stops, annoyed at Jeff. She turns off the music.

BRITTA

Bathroom?

ABED

Over here.

She gets up and follows Abed. Troy watches her go.

"Community" - #303 - "Remedial Chaos Theory" 15.

ANNIE

I love your place, Troy. You’re all grown up now.

JEFF

Yeah, can you believe those are real mahogany bunk beds? Bet those cost you a few allowances.

Annie looks where Jeff is looking. There are indeed bunk beds in one of the rooms. They start laughing. Troy, miffed, gets up from the table.

ANNIE

Troy! Aww.

JEFF

Now we done it.

INT. FOYER - CONTINUOUS

Troy storms past Abed, knocking the Indiana Jones model.

ABED

Britta’s in --

Troy doesn’t listen. Abed catches the boulder on the model. He fiddles with it, trying to reset it.

INT. BATHROOM - SAME

Britta is hunched against an open window when she hears a knock on the door. It startles her. She exhales a plume of smoke out the window.

BRITTA

Who is it?

TROY (O.S.)

Troy.

BRITTA

I’m washing my hands!

TROY (O.S.)

Good, then I can come in.

He opens the door and enters as she sprays air freshener.

BRITTA

I was smoking a cigarette.

"Community" - #303 - "Remedial Chaos Theory" 16.

TROY

I know what you were doing, I’m twenty-one years old. I’m a man.

Troy pulls out a silver cigarette case from his blazer, flips it open and takes out a cigarette. Britta, surprised and pleased, offers him a light from her lighter. He waves her off as he starts chewing the candy cigarette into his mouth.

BRITTA

I know. We all know that.

TROY

Then why is Jeff always picking on me?

INT. LIVING ROOM - SAME

A13 A13

Annie and Jeff are alone at the table.

ANNIE

You seem to be a little hard on Troy lately.

JEFF

I’m going to get a drink.

Jeff stands up and smacks his head on the fan.

ANNIE

Oh my God are you okay?

(jumps to feet)

JEFF

Barely felt it.

ANNIE

Let me look at it in the bathroom.

She grabs her purse and leads Jeff toward the foyer.

ABED

Britta’s in the bathroom.

Annie takes Jeff toward the kitchen.

INT. KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS

Shirley pulls pies while Annie brings Jeff in and starts pulling first aid bandages out of her purse.

SHIRLEY

Oh, no! What happened?

"Community" - #303 - "Remedial Chaos Theory" 17.

ANNIE

Minor head wound.

She starts tending to Jeff’s head.

JEFF

You make a good nurse.

ANNIE

Thanks.

Their looks to each other soften.

SHIRLEY

Dr. Shirley says mini pies are the best medicine!

(interrupting)

JEFF

Then I’d like to see her degree.

Shirley stifles, hurt.

OMITTED

INT. BATHROOM - SAME

Troy and Britta sit on the corner of the tub, both eating candy cigarettes. They’ve been bonding.

BRITTA

He’s butting antlers with you because you’re a threat, now. You've got your own place, you’ve got a future, you’ve got a bowl of olives next to the toilet...

TROY

It’s a fancy party, Britta.

BRITTA

You know what Jeff has in his bathroom? Neither do I. He keeps his toiletries in a safe under the sink. His whole personality is based on guarding himself. You don’t need to be like that to be a man.

TROY

You’re really cool, Britta.

They share admiring smiles.

"Community" - #303 - "Remedial Chaos Theory" 18.

BRITTA

You’re cool, too, Troy. Cool as a coolcumber.

Troy heroically refuses to let that diminish her coolness.

INT. LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS

Pierce enters and sets down the pizzas.

PIERCE

I hope this pizza is less greasy than the pizza guy.

!ALT:

PIERCE

Man, pizza guys are getting worse and worse looking. I guess all the good ones went into porn.

Jeff, Annie, and Shirley exit from the kitchen, Jeff with a bandage on his head.

JEFF

Ceiling fan.

(explaining)

PIERCE

I miss all the fun.

Troy and Britta enter. As they eat pizza, it’s clear - to everyone - that something has changed between them.

ABED

I wonder what happened in all those other timelines.

(eating pizza)

BRITTA AND TROY

Who cares.

Everyone looks at them.

!BUZZ!

INT. LIVING ROOM - MINUTES EARLIER

Pizza not here yet. Everyone seated with fingers on noses. Jeff picks up a die.

"Community" - #303 - "Remedial Chaos Theory" 19.

JEFF

Okay. Starting on my left with one, your number comes up, you go.

People ad lib agreement. Jeff shakes the die in his hand.

ABED

Just so you know, Jeff, you are now creating six different timelines.

JEFF

Of course I am, Abed.

Jeff rolls the die. Six.

JEFF

One two three four five six. Britta.

Britta doesn’t hit play on the iPod. No music plays.

BRITTA

Great.

Britta gets up and heads for the door. Troy watches her go.

PIERCE

Great. You know what’s great? Air travel. Boy, I’ve flown a lot. Lot of stories on airplanes. I once had sex with Eartha Kitt --

SHIRLEY

I’m gonna check on my pies.

Shirley gets up and heads for the kitchen. Troy, Abed, Pierce, Annie and Jeff sit together for a moment.

TROY

You guys are my best frien --

JEFF

-- I’m going to get a drink.

Jeff stands up and smacks his head on the fan. Troy and Pierce laugh.

ANNIE

Oh my God are you okay?

(jumps to feet)

JEFF

Barely felt it.

"Community" - #303 - "Remedial Chaos Theory" 20.

ANNIE

Let me look at it in the bathroom.

She grabs her purse and leads Jeff toward the foyer. Troy, Abed and Pierce remain.

TROY

Should I refill the toilet olives?

ABED

We’re good. I checked.

TROY

You’re the best.

ABED

Want to stay up all night talking in our bunk beds?

TROY

Duh-doy.

They do their Troy Abed handshake. Pierce glares at them, then hands his gift to Troy.

PIERCE

Here, Troy. Happy housewarming.

TROY

Oh, cool, thanks, Pierce.

INT. BATHROOM - SAME

Annie is tending to Jeff’s head.

JEFF

You make a good nurse.

ANNIE

Thank you. I actually had to apply a tourniquet the other day. A guy got stabbed outside my building --

JEFF

What? Annie, you have got to get the hell out of that apartment.

ANNIE

I can take care of myself. You don’t need to treat me like a kid anymore, remember?

"Community" - #303 - "Remedial Chaos Theory" 21.

JEFF

Yes, but adults still need to be protected. I can’t help but worry about you, Annie. You’re very important to me.

They share a look... and are possibly about to kiss...

Until they suddenly hear Troy SCREAM O.S.

INT. LIVING ROOM - SAME

Troy is freaking, jumping up and down. Pierce is holding the creepy troll figurine out toward him, making scary noises.

PIERCE

Feel the terror, Troy! Feel the terror of the Norwegian troll!

Jeff and Annie enter from one side, Shirley from another.

SHIRLEY

What is going on in here?

ABED

Pierce is terrorizing Troy because he’s jealous we moved in together.

PIERCE

You’re the one who’s jealous.

ABED

Why would I be jealous?

PIERCE

Because you’re lonely and crazy!

(snapping)

Everyone gets quiet. Pierce composes himself, embarrassed.

BRITTA (O.S.)

Hey, guys.

Everyone looks to see Britta, holding the pizzas, standing next to a SKEEZY PIZZA DELIVERY GUY.

BRITTA

This is Toby, our pizza delivery guy. I know this is going to sound crazy, but we’re in love and getting married!

"Community" - #303 - "Remedial Chaos Theory" 22.

Britta snuggles up with the Skeezy Guy. Everyone is confused and grossed out.

ABED

Whoa. I wonder what happened in all those other timelines.

PIZZA GUY

Wait. There are other timelines?

(intrigued)

!BUZZ!

INT. LIVING ROOM - MINUTES EARLIER

Pizza not here yet. Everyone seated, fingers on noses. Jeff picks up a die.

JEFF

Okay. Starting on my left with one, your number comes up, you go.

People ad lib agreement. Jeff shakes the die in his hand.

ABED

Just so you know, Jeff, you are now creating six different timelines.

JEFF

Of course I am, Abed.

Jeff rolls the die. One.

JEFF

One. Troy.

Britta hits play. The Police’s “Roxanne” begins.

TROY

Dammit! I’m going to go as fast as I can so I don’t miss anything.

Troy gets up and sprints into the hall.

INT. FOYER - SAME

Troy races out the door, SLAMMING it behind him. The reverberation shakes the hallway, including the “Raiders of the Lost Ark” diorama. The boulder starts to come loose...

"Community" - #303 - "Remedial Chaos Theory" 23.

PIERCE (O.S.)

What? He totally set me up!

(off groans)

Know who I used to call “Miss Anything”? Eartha Kitt. I banged her once in an airplane bathroom.

SHIRLEY (O.S.)

I’m gonna check on my pies.

The boulder breaks loose and rolls down the diorama, crushing the Indiana Jones figurine before rolling onto the floor. It rolls down the hall as Sting sings the opening lyric:

BRITTA (O.S.)

Rooxxx--

JEFF (O.S.)

No.

BRITTA (O.S.)

Bathroom?

(turns off music)

ABED (O.S.)

Over here.

The boulder rolls past Abed and Britta, who don’t notice it as they head to the bathroom.

INT. LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS

The boulder rolls into the room.

PIERCE

Jeff, tell us about your father --

JEFF

I’m going to get a drink.

Jeff stands and smacks his head on the ceiling fan. Pierce laughs.

ANNIE

Oh my God are you okay?

(jumps to feet)

JEFF

Barely felt it.

ANNIE

Let me look at it in the bathroom.

"Community" - #303 - "Remedial Chaos Theory" 24.

She grabs her purse and moves toward Jeff, and she steps on the rolling boulder, slips, and flies up, and the purse flies out of her hand. Pierce jumps up out of his seat with his gift. Annie lands on the coffee table, propelling everything on it into the air, including Pierce’s bottle of rum.

The bottle smashes to the floor, coating it with rum.

Annie’s purse lands hard on the floor -- BANG! Her gun goes off, shooting Pierce in the leg!

PIERCE

AAAAAGH!

Pierce’s leg SPURTS BLOOD, and he falls to the ground, which sends his gift tumbling across the floor.

JEFF

What the hell?!

Abed hurries from the hall and stares at the chaos.

Shirley runs out of the kitchen in time to get a face full of spraying blood. She screams in horror!

Annie rushes to Pierce and puts pressure on his wound.

ANNIE

Call 9-1-1! Abed, help me stop the bleeding!

(to Jeff)

Jeff scrambles for his phone, and Abed rushes to help Annie.

PIERCE

I’m dying! I’m dying!

Britta stumbles out from the bathroom, lit joint in her mouth. Shocked, she opens her mouth, dropping the joint, and it lands in the spilled rum and -- WHOOSH! Flames erupt! They quickly spread, engulfing the floor and Pierce’s gift lying on it. More screams!

Britta runs into the kitchen to get water.

Just then, Troy runs inside with the pizzas. In a minute his world has been transformed into a nightmare of fire, blood, and mayhem -- and sitting amidst it all, staring at Troy from the charred package remains on the floor, is Torg the troll.

TROY

YOOOU! YOOOOOOOOOOU!!! NOOOOO!

"Community" - #303 - "Remedial Chaos Theory" 25.

!BUZZ!

INT. LIVING ROOM - MINUTES EARLIER

Pizza not here yet. Everyone seated, fingers on noses. Jeff picks up a die.

JEFF

Okay. Starting on my left with one, your number comes up, you go.

People ad lib agreement. Jeff shakes the die in his hand.

ABED

Just so you know, Jeff, you are now creating six different timelines.

JEFF

Of course I am, Abed.

Jeff rolls the die. Five.

JEFF

One two three four five. Abed.

Britta hits play. The Police’s “Roxanne” begins.

ABED

I’m on it.

Abed stands up.

PIERCE

You know who else was “on it,” and you know what “it” is --

ABED

Everybody give me money.

JEFF

That ascot really softens your personality.

Jeff hands him some money. Pierce feels his moment slipping away.

PIERCE

I banged Eartha Kitt.

(blurting out)

They all stare at Pierce in confusion. Abed exits and Shirley heads to the kitchen. Sting sings the opening lyric:

"Community" - #303 - "Remedial Chaos Theory" 26.

BRITTA

Rooxxx--

JEFF

No.

Britta stops, annoyed at Jeff. She turns off the music.

BRITTA

Bathroom?

TROY

Down the hall.

(points)

Troy watches Britta exit. Jeff watches the whole interaction with suspicion.

JEFF

I’m going to get a drink.

Jeff stands up and smacks his head on the fan. Pierce laughs.

ANNIE

Oh my God are you okay?

(jumps to feet)

JEFF

Barely felt it.

ANNIE

Let me look at it in the bathroom.

She grabs her purse and leads Jeff toward the foyer.

ABED

Britta’s in the bathroom.

They head toward the kitchen. Pierce hands his gift to Troy.

PIERCE

Here, Troy. Happy housewarming.

TROY

Oh, cool, thanks, Pierce.

Troy pauses before opening the gift.

TROY

Hey, while we’re alone, I just wanted to say thanks for letting me live with you.

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It was fun, and pretty weird, but it’s time for me try to make it on my own. Just like you did.

PIERCE

Uh, you know what, don’t open that.

(thrown)

Pierce tries to take the gift back, but Troy won’t let him.

TROY

What are you talking about?

INT. FOYER - SAME

Britta exits the bathroom, stoned.

BRITTA

Oh my God, what smells amazing?!

INT. KITCHEN - SAME

As Annie tends to Jeff’s wound, Shirley hears Britta’s voice.

SHIRLEY

Someone wants pie!

Shirley BOLTS out of the kitchen with her pies, excited.

JEFF

You make a good nurse.

(to Annie)

INT. LIVING ROOM - SAME

Shirley bounds past Troy and Pierce’s struggle with the gift.

TROY

You are bad at gift giving! I demand to be house warmed!

INT. FOYER - SAME

Shirley bounds up to Britta, who takes a pie and chows on it.

BRITTA

Oh, yes. They taste just like regular-sized pies.

SHIRLEY

Ooooh! Yaaaaaay!

"Community" - #303 - "Remedial Chaos Theory" 28.

!TROY (CONT’D)

BRITTA

Shirley, you are the BEST.

INT. KITCHEN - SAME

Annie bandages Jeff’s head.

JEFF

I can’t help but worry about you, Annie. You’re very important to me.

They share a look... and then they kiss.

INT. LIVING ROOM - SAME

Pierce wrestles the gift away from Troy. The box opens, sending the troll tumbling into a corner. Troy gasps seeing it. Pierce looks guilty.

INT. FOYER - SAME

Britta chows down on Shirley’s pies.

SHIRLEY

Sometimes I feel like making desserts is the only thing I’m good for in this group.

BRITTA

Crap. Cards on the table: I am really high right now.

(then)

Crap. I’m not supposed to say that.

(then)

Crap. I’m not supposed to eat your stuff, we all made an agreement.

(realizing)

Shirley scowls at her.

INT. KITCHEN - SAME

Jeff and Annie are kissing. Jeff is into it, but Annie’s eyes are open and she seems cold. Jeff pulls back.

ANNIE

Sorry. Just had a weird Deja Vu.

JEFF

Well, we have done this before...

(flirty)

"Community" - #303 - "Remedial Chaos Theory" 29.

ANNIE

No, I mean... that thing you said about worrying about me? That's something my Dad always said.

That cools Jeff off.

JEFF

Oh.

ANNIE

Anyway...

(beat)

Yeah. Shouldn’t have brought it up, you just reminded me of my dad.

She goes to kiss him. Jeff backs away.

JEFF

And ease up on the bubble gum lip gloss.

(wipes mouth)

Uh, here’s a little Makeout 101: Less dad talk.

ANNIE

“I worry about you.” Jeez, put it in my birthday card, Grandpa.

(mock finger wagging)

It’s cotton candy. And you’re the one who’s all

(defiant)

Jeff jaw drops.

JEFF

Take. That. Back.

(choked whisper)

Annie seethes.

INT. FOYER - SAME

Shirley lays into Britta.

SHIRLEY

I can’t believe I’m feeding my pies to a drug addict!

BRITTA

Drug addict?! You’re a pie pusher! You push them to get love!

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When are you going to realize you have an identity in this group beyond baking and mothering?

SHIRLEY

Really? What is it?

(moved)

BRITTA

Baked. Get it? Come on, I’m never this awesome.

(laughs)

I don’t know, I’m asking you! Am I still talking out loud? My mouth takes like pie. I am so baked.

SHIRLEY

Gimme that! Godless hippie skank!

Shirley snatches the pie back from Britta. Abed returns to the apartment with the pizzas.

ABED

Pizza time!

Abed continues on toward the living room. Shirley stomps off behind him, followed by an offended Britta.

INT. LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS

Troy shakes his head in disbelief at Pierce.

TROY

You are a sick, sad, twisted old man and I hope you die alone.

Abed sets the pizzas down. Annie emerges from the kitchen, angry, followed by Jeff, also pissed. Everyone sits in silence. Abed, clueless, is the only one to dive in.

ABED

I wonder what happened in all those other timelines. I gotta say...I hope this is the real one. Because I just found a nickel in the hallway.

(eating pizza)

No one says a word, still stewing in anger.

!FADE OUT.

END OF ACT TWO

"Community" - #303 - "Remedial Chaos Theory" 31.

!BRITTA (CONT'D)

ACT THREE

!FADE IN:

INT. LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

!BUZZ!

The pizza is not here yet. Everyone is seated, fingers on noses. Jeff picks up a die. Britta fiddles with the iPod.

JEFF

Okay. Starting on my left with one, your number comes up, you go.

People ad lib agreement. Jeff shakes the die.

ABED

Just so you know, Jeff, you are now creating six different timelines.

JEFF

Of course I am, Abed.

As Britta finds a song, Jeff throws the die.

CLOSE ON: the die, spinning SLO-MO in midair. We see stylistic images of the six timelines shift and melt into one another: Shirley crying, Pierce getting shot, Jeff and Annie kissing, etc. Which will it be?

A hand grabs the die before it can land. It’s Abed.

ABED

Chaos already dominates enough of our lives. The universe is an endless, raging sea of randomness. Our job isn’t to fight it, but to weather it, together, on the raft of life, a raft held together by those few rare, beautiful things that we know to be predictable.

(explaining to table)

I don’t think you should.

BRITTA

....ropes? Vines. Vines? Let him finish.

ABED

Us. It won’t matter what happens to us as long as we stay honest and accepting of each other’s flaws and virtues.

"Community" - #303 - "Remedial Chaos Theory" 32.

Annie will always be driven, Shirley will always be giving, Pierce will never apologize, Britta’s sort of a wildcard from my perspective and Jeff will forever remain a conniving son of a bitch. (off their shock) There are six sides to a die, and seven of us. He devised a system by which he never has to get the pizza.

Everyone realizes this and boos Jeff, who shrugs it off.

PIERCE

Pretty low, dude. It’s called “friendship.” Look it up. Encarta it.

TROY

I think we just found our pizza-getter.

Everyone ad libs agreement: “Yeah,” “Go get it,” etc.

Britta hits play. The Police’s “Roxanne” begins.

JEFF

Oh, like it matters who goes.

Jeff stands, smacking his head on the fan. Everyone laughs.

JEFF

Ow! What’s so funny?

ANNIE

Karma.

Jeff, chagrined, rubs his head and exits.

TROY

That guy sucks harder than a toilet in an airplane bathroom.

PIERCE

Airplane bathroom.

(chuckles)

SHIRLEY

Oh! My pies --

(realizing)

Sting sings the opening lyric:

BRITTA

Rooxxxxanne!

"Community" - #303 - "Remedial Chaos Theory" 33.

!ABED (CONT'D)

Shirley, seduced by the opportunity to sing, stays.

SHIRLEY AND BRITTA

You don’t have to put on the red light!

TROY / BRITTA / SHIRLEY
Those days are over, you don’t have to sell your body to the night.

Pierce discretely discards his housewarming gift.

PIERCE/TROY/BRITTA/ABED/ANNIE
Roooxxxanne! You don’t have to put on the red light!

Annie leans into Abed, smiling as the others sing.

ANNIE

I really love your place.

ABED

You should move here.

ANNIE

Hmm?

The two of them get swept up in the singing.

EVERYONE

Rooxxxxanne, put on the red light!

Jeff returns with the pizzas and watches in detached bemusement.

EVERYONE BUT JEFF

Rooxxxxanne, put on the red light!

He shakes his head at them.

JEFF

You guys see what happens when I leave you alone? Huh?

(shouting over them)

They dive into the pizzas and continue singing without him. He smiles at their unguarded stupidity as we...

!FADE OUT.

END OF ACT THREE

"Community" - #303 - "Remedial Chaos Theory" 34.

TAG

!FADE IN:

TITLES: ONE WEEK LATER... TIMELINE NUMBER 5

INT. STUDY ROOM - NIGHT (TIMELINE #5)

This universe seems darker, grimmer. Abed, Troy, Jeff, Britta and Shirley sit around the table in black funeral attire. A black pall hangs over them. Abed is cutting a piece of black felt with scissors. Shirley is a drunk mess drinking booze out of a paper bag. Britta has a single blue streak in her hair.

SHIRLEY

To Pierce, may he rest in Pierce.

(drunk)

Shirley pours booze on Pierce’s seat.

BRITTA

Shirley, don’t you think you’ve had enough?

SHIRLEY

Of you?

(mean)

Britta is scared. Shirley maddogs her as she takes a swig.

ABED

Guys, I’ve been thinking about that night over and over, and one thing has become clear: this is the darkest, most terrible timeline.

BRITTA

Enough with the timeline crap, Abed! Pierce got shot in the leg and died! Shirley’s a drunk! Annie is locked up in a mental ward because her guilt drove her insane! Jeff lost his arm in the fire!

Jeff’s right arm is gone. His sleeve is pinned up, and he looks like hell.

BRITTA

Troy lost his larynx because for some dumb reason, he tried to destroy a flaming troll doll by eating it!

Troy has an electronic voicebox strapped to his throat.

"Community" - #303 - "Remedial Chaos Theory" 35.

TROY (ALTERED ELECTRONIC VOICE)

Clearly you don’t understand anything about defeating trolls.

BRITTA

Life has gone to hell, Abed. This is real! Look at us! Look at me!

JEFF

Britta, you put one wash-away blue streak in your hair and I lost an arm.

BRITTA

Exactly. Life got dark.

ABED

And all because Jeff rolled a one.

JEFF

I love that this is somehow my fault.

ABED

It’s mine. I’ve run through that night over and over in my head, and I keep coming back to one thought. I should have caught the die and not let you roll it. I failed to do that. And we all suffered for it. But I’m going to make it up to you.

He starts handing out pieces of black felt.

JEFF

What is this?

ABED

Of all the timelines, this is clearly the darkest, which is why I propose we commit to being evil. I’ve made us all black goatees out of felt. I suggest you put them on until you’re able to grow your own.

He attaches a felt goatee to his face.

ABED

From now on, I am Evil Abed, we are the Evil Study Group, and we have but one evil goal: return, somehow, to the prime timeline, the one on which I stopped Jeff from rolling that die. Then we destroy the good versions of ourselves and reclaim our proper lives.

"Community" - #303 - "Remedial Chaos Theory" 36.

JEFF

Evil Abed. As Evil Jeff, am I allowed to pull fewer punches with you?

ABED

Certainly.

JEFF

I HATE YOU. SHUT UP WITH YOUR SCI-FI CRAP. You’re the worst. I lost my DAMN ARM and you’re making fake beards!

Jeff exits. Britta and Shirley follow suit. Abed turns to Troy. After a beat, Troy puts on his goatee. Abed smiles.

ABED / TROY (ALTERED ELECTRONIC VOICE)
(singing)
Evil Troy and Evil Abed!

They do their hand-shake. The sound of the LAST HAND SLAP reverberates into:

INT. TROY AND ABED’S APARTMENT - NIGHT (NORMAL TIMELINE)

It’s our brighter, happier universe. Troy and Abed sit on the couch, in pajamas, watching “Inspector Spacetime.”

Abed has a shiver go through him. He looks around.

TROY

What’s wrong?

ABED

I don’t know. I guess nothing.

They keep watching.

!FADE OUT.

END OF SHOW

"Community" - #303 - "Remedial Chaos Theory" 37.

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