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Rick Potion

By

Justin Roiland

Network Draft 11/16/12

All Rights Reserved. Copyright © The Cartoon Network Inc./ Turner Broadcasting System. No portion of this script may be performed, published, reproduced, sold or dis tributed by any means, or quoted or published in any medium, including on any website, without prior written consent of The Cartoon Network Inc./ Turner Broadcasting System. Di sposal of the script copy does not alter any of the restrictions set forth above.

ACT ONE

INT. SCHOOL - DAY

MORTY is walking through the halls of the school with other students. We hear PRINCIPAL VAGINA over the loud speaker.

PRINCIPAL VAGINA (O.S.)

Principal Vagina here, don’t let the name fool you, I’m very much in charge, reminding you that tonight is our annual flu season dance.

Morty gets to his locker. He looks down the hall at JESSICA, who is standing with her friends.

PRINCIPAL VAGINA (O.S.)

I don’t know how many times I have to say this, but if you have the flu, stay home. The flu season dance is about awareness, not celebration. You don’t bring dead babies to Passover.

Morty takes a deep breath and heads over to Jessica.

MORTY

H-hey Jessica, um...

JESSICA

What’s up Morty?

Jessica sneezes delicately as BRAD (the jock) comes up and snubs Morty.

BRAD

What are you doing?

MORTY

Well -

BRAD

Wait, were you about to talk... to her?

MORTY

I was... thinking about it...

BRAD

Dude. Stay in your league. Look how hot she is.

You don’t see me going to a bigger school in a wealthier district and hitting on their prettiest girl.

Brad throws his arm around Jessica and they walk away.

JESSICA

Gee, thanks, Brad.

BRAD

Look, I throw balls far, you want good words, date a languager.

Morty is crestfallen.

EXT. MORTY’S HOUSE - DAY

PUSH IN

INT. KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS

Morty sits on a stool in the kitchen having a snack while JERRY makes a sandwich.

JERRY

Try not to worry about it, Morty. You’re a good kid. And there’s not a premium on that right now but you’ll be getting girls some time after Brad’s out of shape.

MORTY

You’re missing the point, Dad. I don’t want girls. I want Jessica.

Jerry takes his attention off the sandwich and looks Morty in the eye.

JERRY

Ah. Well. I remember feeling that way about a young lady named your Mom. And that’s not an urban dis. Your mom was my Jessica. I remember the first time I saw her, I thought -

RICK (O.S.)

“I should get her pregnant, then she’ll have to marry me.”

RICK enters the kitchen and grabs a glass from the cupboard.

!BRAD (CONT'D)

JERRY

I beg your pardon, Rick. Inappropriate.

RICK

I’m just not sure you want to take romantic advice from this guy. His marriage is hanging from a thread.

(to Morty)

Sorry, please proceed with your story about banging my daughter in high school.

JERRY

My marriage is fine, thank you!

Rick gets ice from the fridge.

RICK

Jerry, it’s your house, whatever you say is how it is, but I think a blind man could see Beth is looking for the door. I barely have a reason to care and even I noticed.

MORTY

Hey, Rick! Don’t talk about my parents like that!

Rick grabs the O.J. and pours it in his glass.

RICK

Listen, Morty. I hate to break it to you, but what people call “love” is just a chemical reaction that compels animals to breed. It hits hard, then slowly fades, leaving you stranded in a failing marriage. I did it. Your parents are doing it. Break the cycle, Morty. Rise above it. Focus on science.

Rick leaves the O.J. out and exits with his drink. Morty and Jerry are left in sad silence.

MORTY

Well. I’m going to get dressed for the dance.

JERRY

...check on your Mom...

(walking away)

Yeah, I’m just going to...

INT. RICK’S LAB - DAY

Rick is working on some very important science device in the garage when Morty enters, wearing a suit for the dance.

RICK

Hand me that screwdriver, Morty. I’m almost finished making my ionic defribulizer. It’s going to be great.

Morty ignores Rick’s request.

MORTY

Listen, Rick. You know how you said love is a chemical reaction and all that? Well I was thinking... could you do some science to make that reaction happen inside Jessica? So she falls in love with me? Like a love potion?

RICK

Morty. That’s such a poor use of my time. It’s beneath me, hand me that screwdriver.

MORTY

No! I won’t hand you that screwdriver! I won’t hand you any screwdriver ever again, Rick! I’m always helping you with what you want, what about what I want, huh?!

Rick sighs and walks over to a different part of his work bench. He pulls out a box and starts digging around.

RICK

You’re growing up fast, Morty. You’re becoming a real big thorn, growing straight up my ass.

Rick pulls a vial out of the box.

RICK

Alright. This is called OXYTOCIN. I extracted it from a vole, you know what a vole is, Morty? It’s a species of rodent that mates for life. This is the chemical released in a mammal’s brain when it falls in love.

Rick pours the vole oxytocin into a strange device.

RICK

I need a little bit of your DNA.

MORTY

Oh, well, okay...

Morty starts unbuckling his belt.

RICK

A hair, Morty, I need one of your hairs, it’s not a gentlemen’s club.

Rick plucks a hair from Morty’s head and drops that in the whirring device. The device dings and Rick grabs the serum out of it and holds it up.

RICK

Alright. Whoever you smear this stuff on will fall in love with you, and only you... forever. Happy now, Morty?

MORTY

Yeah! Thanks, Grandpa Rick!

(taking it)

Morty heads for the door, pausing briefly.

MORTY

There’s no danger, right, no side effects?

RICK

What am I, a hack? Go nuts, Morty, it’s foolproof.

Morty runs out. Rick goes back to his work.

RICK

Unless she has the flu.

(shrugging, to self)

INT. JERRY AND BETH BEDROOM - DUSK

Beth is on the computer and Jerry sits on the bed.

JERRY

Do you still love me, Beth?

BETH

What kind of question is that?

JERRY

The yes or no kind?

BETH

Jerry, do you want homeless people to have homes?

JERRY

Yes.

BETH

Are you going to build them?

JERRY

...no?

BETH

Then what good was the yes.

JERRY

Wait, is loving me the house or the homeless people?

BETH

Loving you is work, Jerry. Good old fashioned Chinese work. Because you say things like “do you still love me,” to which I can say no, and cause an apocalypse, or yes, which means nothing, because it requires nothing, like saying the homeless should have homes. Because in the end, I’m picking up a hammer or I’m not. So do you see me working here? Does this conversation seem tedious?

JERRY

...sort of?

BETH

Then I obviously sort of love you, don’t I, so stop asking and maybe I’ll love you more.

Beth’s phone goes off. She hops up and grabs it.

BETH

Crap. They need me at the horse hospital.

JERRY

This late?

BETH

The racetrack had a starlight derby, there was a seven horse collision and Davin’s there alone.

Beth rushes to get ready. We push on Jerry’s face as dozens of voices whisper and chant the word “Davin” in his brain.

EXT. HIGH SCHOOL - NIGHT

We see dressed-up students entering the school in pairs.

INT. SCHOOL GYMNASIUM - NIGHT

Morty walks into the flu season dance, which is in full swing. Morty scans the crowd, looking for Jessica. A student rap group is rapping about flu awareness.

RAPPER

Flu. Yo. You gotta be aware, aware of all the flu up in the air.

Morty spots Jessica next to her friend MOESHA, blowing her nose. He heads her way.

RAPPER

I’m a get me a shot make the flu go away/ I’m a flu hatin’ rapper just rappin’ away.

MORTY

Hey, Jessica... whoops!

Morty pretends to stumble forward and rubs Rick’s serum on Jessica’s arm. On a dime, her focus turns entirely to Morty.

JESSICA

Oh my god... Morty... you look really nice tonight.

MORTY

Thanks!

Jessica grabs Morty and pulls him close to her.

JESSICA

I love you, Morty. I love you so much it burns.

MORTY

Whoa! I- I love you too, Jessica!

Brad sees this and rushes over.

BRAD

Is this punk bothering you, Jessica?

Brad rips Morty away from Jessica and pushes him away.

JESSICA

Leave him alone, jerk! I’m in love with him!

Jessica gets in Brad’s face.

JESSICA

He’s more man than you’ll ever be!

She sneezes in Brad’s face. We follow little particles into Brad’s brain, “CSI-Style” as they split and multiply.

Brad grabs his head. He appears dazed for a moment, then his attention turns to Morty.

BRAD

Oh man, Morty... I’m really sorry.

MORTY

Oh. Well... No problem, Brad...

Brad gives Morty a hug. The hug turns into a slow dance.

BRAD

There’s something special about you, Morty. So special.

Brad slides his hands down Morty’s back to his ass.

MORTY

Hey! Take it easy!

JESSICA

Get your hands off of him!

Jessica struggles with Brad to free Morty. Principal Vagina and Goldenfold notice the scuffle and approach.

PRINCIPAL VAGINA

That’s enough, Bradley, we don’t want you injuring your ball-throwing arm.

Jessica pulls Morty away, takes him onto the dance floor, and embraces him.

JESSICA

Never leave me, Morty. Never.

MORTY

Uh, sure, I mean... of course not. What do you think that was all about?

JESSICA

Who cares. Just hold me.

Other students are impressed with Morty landing Jessica. Goldenfold and Principal Vagina haul Brad away while he kicks and screams.

BRAD

I love you, Morty! Let go of me!

Brad sneezes violently several times. We ZOOM IN to show micro droplets of snot fly from his mouth into nearby air vents and the punch bowl.

INT. HOME LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

Jerry and SUMMER watch TV together. Jerry stares at his phone.

JERRY

She’s going to be alone with that guy all night.

SUMMER

Yeah, Dad, digging around the insides of horses. It’s not a very romantic setting.

RICK (O.S.)

Well, Summer, -

Rick has entered from the garage.

RICK

There’s always the possibility she made the work thing up. Maybe Davin’s digging around in her insides. Listen, Summer, I’m almost done with my ionic defribulizer and I could really use someone to hand me screwdrivers -

SUMMER

Grandpa! So gross! You’re talking about my Mom!

RICK

Or, family means nothing. In which case don’t play that card.

(shrug)

Well, she’s my daughter, I outrank you.

JERRY

She’s not responding to my texts!

SUMMER

Careful, Dad. Jealousy turns women off.

JERRY

Well isn’t that convenient.

RICK

Not for the men they cheat on, no.

JERRY

Okay. I’m going to go out. For some ice cream. And maybe stop by the hospital. To support my wife. With my confidence.

(standing up)

Jerry takes off.

SUMMER

God, Grandpa, you’re such a dick.

RICK

I’m sorry, Summer, your opinion means very little to me. How come you’re not at this dance everyone loves so much?

SUMMER

Screw that. I don’t want to get sick. It’s flu season.

Rick looks concerned.

RICK

It is?

SUMMER

Yes.

We PUSH IN on Rick’s face.

RICK

Oopsie.

INT. SCHOOL GYMNASIUM - NIGHT

Jessica grinds on Morty in the middle of the dance floor.

MORTY

Please just let this work out.

Jessica stops grinding on Morty, gets on all fours and “presents rearly” to him, making animal noises.

JESSICA

Do it, Morty. Do it. Rip my clothes off and mate with me for life.

MORTY

Uh... can we maybe go somewhere more private?

Moesha and several other students walk over.

MOESHA

Jessica, get ahold of yourself. You don’t deserve to carry Morty’s genes.

Moesha starts caressing Morty. Morty backs away as the band begins playing “Morty is forever.” Morty looks around to see everyone in the dance is now focused on him.

MORTY

Oh crap...

Jessica jumps up and tackles Moesha while other students claw at Morty and fight with each other. Morty rips away and scrambles out of the throng with half of his suit ripped off.

Rick bursts into the gym and grabs Morty by the arm.

RICK

Morty! Come on, we gotta get you out of here! I made a rare mistake!

INT. SCHOOL HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS

Rick and Morty run from the gym. Principal Vagina is running toward them from the other end of the hall.

PRINCIPAL VAGINA

Morty, are you okay?

MORTY

Yes.

PRINCIPAL VAGINA

Good. If anything ever happened to you, I’d kill myself. I love you bad, Mo-mo.

Mr. Goldenfold rounds the corner.

GOLDENFOLD

Morty, the principal and I have discussed it and decided we’re both insecure enough to agree to a three-way.

Rick and Morty run outside.

EXT. SCHOOL - NIGHT

Rick and Morty run across the parking lot towards Rick’s flying ship as the entire school spills out into the parking lot after them. They jump in and Rick struggles to get the ship started.

RICK

I didn’t realize when I gave you that serum that Jessica had the flu. That’s something you might have mentioned, Morty.

The crowd envelopes the vehicle. Several climb onto it. Rick finally gets it moving forward.

MORTY

What’s happening?

RICK

What’s it look like, Morty? The serum is piggybacking on the virus, it’s gone airborne, Morty. Being hot for you has gone airborne.

MORTY

Oh, crap!

RICK

Relax. I just need to formulate a cure before this thing reaches a major city.

Just before the vehicle gets off the ground, A BOSTONIAN leaps onto the car and presses his face on the windshield.

BOSTONIAN

Mahty, I’m from Bahston, we wicked love ya there!

RICK

Uh oh.

Rick pulls out a small phaser gun and zaps the Bostonian off the ship, sending him plummeting to the parking lot below.

RICK

This might be an all nighter.

END OF ACT ONE

ACT TWO

EXT. CITY - NIGHT

A throng of love sick citizens are moaning Morty’s name. Rick’s ship hovers into frame above them.

INT. RICK’S SHIP - CONTINUOUS

Morty looks down, nervous.

MORTY

Oh man! What do we do, Rick?

RICK

We should be fine. I’ve whipped up an antidote. It’s based on praying mantis DNA.

Rick holds up a vial and pours it into a small hatch on the dashboard.

RICK

See, romantically, praying mantises are the opposite of voles. They mate once and then decapitate the male. It’s a real Wham-bam-thank-you-mantis kind of thing, not that wordplay is my wheelhouse. Mantis DNA mixed with a more contagious flu virus should neutralize the effects of the original serum.

Rick pilots the ship in place above a crowd of people rubbing themselves and moaning Morty’s name. He pulls a lever sending a mist down onto them.

RICK

By the way, don’t worry: I don’t want to fuck you. These serums don’t work on anyone related to you genetically.

The crowd of people moaning Morty’s name stop doing it. For a beat. Then, they mutate into hideous insect monsters and resume moaning Morty’s name.

RICK

Okay. Well. Sometimes science is more art than science, Morty, a lot of people don’t get that.

INT. CAR - NIGHT

Jerry is speeding down the freeway. He hits the brakes.

EXT. FREEWAY - CONTINUOUS

We see Jerry’s car skid to a stop behind rows and rows of abandoned cars sitting in all lanes of the freeway. The door opens and Jerry steps out into the night.

JERRY

Come on are you kidding me?! Hello?!

Three MANTIS MUTANTS burst out of the shadows and rush towards Jerry.

MANTIS MUTANTS

You’re not Morty! Bring us Morty!

Jerry dodges the monsters and runs into the abandoned cars where he comes across a dead cop holding a shotgun. He grabs it, turns around, and blows the monsters away.

JERRY

Nobody’s killing me until after I catch my wife with another man.

(dramatic)

INT. HOME LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

Summer is now alone watching TV.

TV SHOW GIRL 1

I had sex with Billy.

TV SHOW GIRL 2

But you were already pregnant!

TV SHOW GIRL 1

Yeah, so, what’s the worst that could happen?

NEWS ANNOUNCER (V.O.)

- We interrupt Pregnant Baby with breaking news.

SUMMER

Aww come on!

Two half mantis mutant news anchors sit next to each other with an image of Morty on the screen.

MANTIS NEWS LADY

This just in: Morty Smith’s whereabouts are still unknown. The only thing that is known is how cute he is.

MANTIS NEWS MAN

I love him so much. I want to make love to him and then eat his head.

MANTIS NEWS LADY

I love him more than you do, Harold.

MANTIS NEWS MAN

You wish, you spider-eating slut!

(growling rage)

They begin to attack each other. Summer pulls her feet back up off the ground and onto the couch. She’s afraid.

SUMMER

What the hell?

Summer flips to another channel showing coverage of riots in the Middle East. It’s revealed that all the rioters are half-mantis and holding signs that say “We Love Morty!,” etc.

A group of them have hung an effigy of Morty in a courtyard and are humping it.

Suddenly there is a pounding on the door. It breaks open and several mantis mutants burst in.

MANTIS MUTANT

Where is Morty?!

Summer screams at the top of her lungs, grabs a vase and breaks it over a mantis monster’s head. She then runs past several more outside into the night.

EXT. DESERT - NIGHT

Rick has his flying machine parked, and has set up a makeshift laboratory out of the trunk. They have a small TV propped on the trunk playing the same TV news program that Summer was watching. The Chinese are doing an elaborate show about how they love Morty and want to make love to him and then eat him. Morty turns it off and starts freaking out.

MORTY

The whole world is infected, Rick!

RICK

Pretty wild how fast that spread. I’ve really outdone myself.

(casual and relaxed)

MORTY

Outdone yourself? This isn’t okay, Rick! Not only do they all want to have sex with me, now they all want to eat me afterwords!

(furious)

RICK

Yeah, I don’t know what I was thinking. Mantises are the opposite of voles? Obviously DNA is a little more complicated than that.

Rick holds up a freshly concocted vial.

RICK

This will do the trick, though. It’s koala mixed with rattlesnake, chimpanzee, cactus, shark, golden retriever and a smidge of dinosaur. Should add up to normal humanity.

MORTY

What?! How does that add up to normal humanity?!

RICK

What, you want me to show you my math? I’m sorry, Morty, are you the scientist or the kid that wanted to get laid?

EXT. HORSE HOSTPITAL - ESTABLISHING - NIGHT

INT. DAVIN’S - NIGHT

Davin and Beth enter, removing their gloves, spattered in horse blood.

DAVIN

I’m glad we saved all those horses, but I’m almost sorry we’re finished.

BETH

It’s satisfying work.

DAVIN

It’s more than the work. I love being in that sterilized room, sealed off from the world. It’s the only time I can really think. And feel.

He sneezes lightly, then presses a button on his wall. African dream pop starts playing.

BETH

What are you doing?

DAVIN

I’m playing African dream pop. What do you do after a long night?

The lights dim. A special mechanism lights a candle on his desk.

BETH

I better get going. Jerry’s been texting some pretty high maintenance stuff.

DAVIN

Beth.

He physically stops her.

BETH

What is it, Davin?

DAVIN

...what it was like to give your son a bath.

(sneeze)

Just once, I’d like to know...

BETH

Uhhhh WHAT?

DAVIN

How soft are his privates --

(twitch)

What does Morty’s skin smell like? How soft --

BETH

Let go of me, Davin!

Davin growls and mutates into a hideous half-mantis. Beth screams.

DAVIN

Take me to Morty.

Jerry kicks the door open. Davin looks at him.

DAVIN

You’re not Morty.

JERRY

And this. Is my friend. Who is also a crowbar.

(holds up crowbar)

No. I’m Mister Crowbar.

DAVIN

That’s... stupid --

Jerry smashes Davin in the head with the crowbar, then methodically beats him to death.

JERRY

Yeah, well, look where being smart got you.

BETH

Jerry! Thank God!

(recovering)

JERRY

God? God’s turning people into insect monsters, Beth. I’m the one beating them to death. Thank me.

Beth embraces Jerry.

BETH

Thank you, Jerry. Thank you.

Jerry holds his wife and looks around with a hardened expression in his face. This is his moment.

EXT. CITY - NIGHT

Rick’s ship flies over the infected city.

INT. RICK’S SHIP - CONTINUOUS

RICK

Take a good look down there, Morty, and soak it in, because as soon as I pull this lever, it’s all going to change back to normal.

MORTY

Just do it already!

RICK

Well, technically, there’s no rush, I mean, once it’s fixed, it’s fixed --

Morty hops up and pulls the lever.

EXT. CITY - CONTINUOUS

The ship crop-dusts the city with gas. We follow the gas down as it hits an aggressive crowd of mantis mutants. The mutants double over in agony for a moment, and then rise back up, back to normal. Just a crowd of humans.

INT. RICK’S SHIP - CONTINUOUS

Rick takes his attention away from the crowd below and turns to Morty. Morty continues to watch.

RICK

Well what do we have here? Looks like I was right and you doubted me. I bet you feel pretty stupid right now, don’t you, Morty? I bet you feel like the world’s smallest man.

MORTY

Something’s not right...

Rick takes his flask out and takes a gulp.

RICK

Yeah, you. You’re not right. Ever.

MORTY

No! Look, you idiot!

Rick turns and looks down below.

EXT. CITY - CONTINUOUS

Everyone is bubbling and writhing around. They mutate into horrible deformed mutants. They’re monstrosities. Fleshy. Massive. Violent. Unrecognizable.

EXT. HONG KONG - CONTINUOUS

We see Chinese mantis people riding bikes, running markets, they mutate into these beasts and devolve into chaos.

EXT. RUSSIA - CONTINUOUS

We see Russian mantis people playing checkers, eating potatoes, they mutate into these beasts and devolve into chaos.

EXT. IRAQ - CONTINUOUS

We see Iraqi mantis people already devolved into chaos. They mutate into these beasts and resume.

INT. RICK’S SHIP

Rick takes another sip of his flask.

RICK

I bet you’re loving this, Morty. This must be the best day of your life. You get to be the mayor of “I-told-you-town.” You’re welcome.

END OF ACT TWO

ACT THREE

EXT. CITY - NIGHT

We see a van rigged up with armor and weapons a la Road Warrior. Several beasts block their path.

INT. ARMORED VAN - CONTINUOUS

Jerry is behind the wheel as Beth cuddles close to him.

JERRY

Hold on.

Jerry slams the gas pedal. Several creatures fly into the windshield and roll off as the van speeds through the crowd.

EXT. CITY - CONTINUOUS

Jerry and Beth’s armored van cuts a path of death through the fleshy beasts.

EXT. NEIGHBORHOOD - SUNRISE

Jerry and Beth pull their Road Warrior vehicle onto their front lawn and get out, taking out a horde of beasts with a sawed-off shotgun and a machete.

Jerry regards Beth’s shotgun.

JERRY

I wish that shotgun was my penis.

BETH

If it is, you can call me Hemingway.

JERRY

I don’t get it and I don’t need to.

Jerry grabs Beth and they make out.

SUMMER (O.S.)

Mom?! Dad?!

Summer runs over and they all embrace.

BETH

Summer!

JERRY

Summer!

JERRY

Where’s Morty?

SUMMER

I don’t know. Do you think Grandpa Rick had something to do with this?

JERRY

It’s not fair to assume that, Summer.

BETH

Not fair? Give me a break. He’s a selfish, irresponsible ass and he left my mother. A real man stands by his woman.

Jerry and Beth make out some more.

SUMMER

Um...

EXT. ROOF TOP - MORNING

Rick and Morty sit against Rick’s parked ship, looking down at the chaos below. Everybody is shuffling around as shapeless, fleshy beasts. They’re all moaning.

RICK

Man, I really Cronenberged the world up, didn’t I? We got a planet full of Cronenbergs walking around down there, Morty. At least they’re not in love with you anymore. That’s a huge step in the right direction.

MORTY

It’s a living nightmare! How could you be so irresponsible, Rick?

RICK

Me irresponsible? All I wanted to do was make an ionic defribulizer. Irresponsible is abandoning science because you want to do it with girls. That’s the behavior that overpopulated this world. This is just chickens coming home to roost.

MORTY

Alright fine. I should have listened when you refused to make that serum. I’m willing to accept my part of the blame for this.

Rick takes a swig of his flask. Morty stands up.

MORTY

But you need to accept yours! And you need to get off your ass and figure out some way to fix this mess, Rick! I’m serious!

Rick gets up and brushes himself off.

RICK

We’re in a pretty deep hole with this one, but I do have one emergency solution that could put everything back to normal. Relatively speaking.

Rick pops the trunk on his ship and pulls out a couple of strange looking backpacks. He hands one to Morty.

MORTY

Here, put this on while I do a little scouting.

CUT TO:

EXT. MORTY’S HOUSE - MORNING

Birds are chirping, everything seems fine. A perfectly human neighbor mows his lawn.

Rick’s flying car lands in the driveway. Rick and Morty get out and head towards the garage.

MORTY

Wow. We’re pretty lucky you finally figured out the exact combination of DNA that returned everyone back to normal.

RICK

Luck had nothing to do with it, Morty. I’m just that smart.

INT. RICK’S GARAGE - CONTINUOUS

Rick goes back to his workbench and resumes work on the device he was making in the beginning of the episode.

RICK

Now will you help me finish my ionic defribulizer?

MORTY

Sure thing Rick. Here’s a screwdriver.

Morty hands him a screwdriver and Rick starts tinkering with the device.

RICK

Allllmost done, aaaaand --

The device explodes violently. Rick and Morty are instantly killed. Their dismembered bodies slide like rag dolls across the garage floor.

A few seconds of silence, and then a portal opens and Rick and Morty walk through it into the garage wearing the strange backpacks Rick handed Morty earlier.

RICK

Here we are, Morty.

MORTY

Oh my god, is that us?! We’re torn to pieces! What is going on, Rick? I’m freaking out!

Rick grabs Morty by the shoulders and shakes him.

RICK

Calm down, Morty. Look at me. Calm down.

MORTY

No way oh my god. Oh nooo. This is too much. Oh my god. Oh nooo. Oh my god.

RICK

Calm down, Morty! You just have to calm down and listen to me! Morty, calm down!

MORTY

Oh nooo this can’t be real! Oh nooo! Oh my god!

Rick slaps Morty hard across the face.

RICK

Shut up and listen to me! It’s fine! Everything is fine! There’s an infinite number of universes, Morty. And in a few dozen of those, I got lucky and turned everyone back to normal. I just had to find one of those universes in which we also happened to both die around this time.

Rick takes his hands off Morty’s shoulders and stands up.

RICK

Now we can just slip into the place of our dead selves in this universe and everything’ll be fine. We’re not skipping a beat, Morty. Help me with these bodies.

Rick starts gathering himself up.

MORTY

This is insane.

RICK

Look, I’ll grab myself, you grab yourself, OK? That seems fair to me. That’s a fair way to do it.

MORTY

Rick! What about the universe we left behind?!

RICK

I don’t suppose you’ve considered this detail, but obviously, if I hadn’t screwed up as much as I did, we’d be these guys right now. So, once again, you’re welcome.

(adding)

What about the universe where Hitler cured cancer, Morty? The answer is don’t think about it. It’s not like we can do this every week. We get three or four more of these, tops. Now pick your dead self up. Come on. Haste makes waste.

EXT. NEW WORLD MORTY’S HOUSE BACKYARD - DAY

“Look On Down From The Bridge” by Mazzy Star plays as Rick and Morty quietly dig graves for their own dead bodies. Morty looks over at the pile of himself and stares at it for a moment. Rick notices he’s not digging and nudges him back to work.

INT. HOUSE - DAY.

The song continues to play over the scene. Rick and Morty walk in the door to find Jerry and Beth arguing in the kitchen. Rick plops down on the couch next to Summer, who is watching TV. Rick seems perfectly comfortable with all of it.

Morty takes his seat on the couch but looks forever changed, taking in his normal surroundings, with no idea what to say, so he says nothing.

The camera pulls back.

We cut to credits, Sopranos/Breaking Bad style, as the song continues.

THE END

TAG

INT. ORIGINAL WORLD (OR “WORLD 1”) - 2 YEARS LATER - DAY

Beth and Jerry cuddle lovingly next to a spit-roasting beast. Summer acts out scenes from a movie she remembers for their entertainment.

SUMMER

You know the thing about a shark, he’s got lifeless eyes. Black eyes like a doll’s eyes. When he comes at ya, he doesn’t seem to be living until he bites ya and those black eyes roll over and white and then, ah...

They all seem content. Perfect marriage, perfect family.

JERRY

Do you ever wonder what happened to Rick and Morty?

BETH

Sometimes. But I’m ashamed to admit, now that they’re gone, I’m finally happy.

CUT TO:

EXT. ORIGINAL WORLD 1 - SOMEWHERE ELSE - DAY

A portal opens. Cronenberged versions of Rick and Morty walk through wearing the same strange backpacks we saw before.

CRONENBERG RICK (VICK)

Here we are, Sorty. A universe where everyone in the world got genetically cronenberged. We’ll fit right in. It’ll be like we never left cronenberg world.

CRONENBERG MORTY

Yeah, Vick, but I’m gonna miss cronenberg world. Because everyone was cronenberged all along like us from the beginning. I wish we hadn’t genetically ruined cronenberg world beyond repair like we did, you know?

CRONENBERG RICK

Don’t worry about that. Come on. Lets make ourselves at home.

END OF TAG

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